Scrolling through my Instagram I see pictures of stunning girls,

Smiling

Having adventures

Mediating

In Love

and Looking Happy all the time

Their lives seem perfect.

But then I look at my own. My pictures show a fun loving happy girl, who practises yoga daily and jet sets around the world

I have it made.

& I do Have an amazing life.

& I am happy….

most of the time

 

“I never, ever want to set an unrealistic expectation. To paint my life as perfect, and have another girl strive to be me, or meet my “perfection on instagram” I want to empower and motivate woman to see the truth, to stop being so hard on themselves and realize no one is as perfect at that picture”

I never want another woman to envy me, but instead learn from me

More than anything I want to end the comparison. Because I too fall  victim to it’s devilish games. and get suffocated in it’s chaos.

But there is more to me than the picture, there is more to life than that picture

It only tells a portion of the story

with my good days and bad..

I am a coach, and I help others

But I am not perfect, and some days I try so hard to be

I want to be that girl in the photos, but the truth is I am real

I do my freaking best 

‘but sometimes my best doesn’t seem enough

Like the world is against me .

I pull out all my tricks and healthy habits. Yet sometimes we fall into the routine. We get in our heads, and we give that darn ego too much power.

And I want you to learn from my imperfections

I do my best to stay balanced 

Eat healthy

Work out

And conquer the world

With a bright smile and positive tudee

But sometimes I screw up

I relapse on my bingeing and purging

I get anxiety

I wish I was just “normal”

I critique myself

I try to change the beauty of who I am

I drink to much and party too hard

I say the wrong thing

I make mistakes

I compare and judge myself

My food looks perfect in pictures but sometimes triggers major anxiety

I try to be mindful and then forget

I use a freaking microwave because I’m being lazy

90% of the time I’m balanced and it’s good, but that 10% that is the chaos and it’s learning to accept you don’t have to be perfect all the time. It is ok to have a 10% 

&& I am NOT perfect

&& &I am learning daily.

&& I am here to tell the whole story. 

So Here is my Paris…

My picture perfect Paris,

the truth behind the pictures you see; the raw, the exposed, the vulnerable, the me

the Me on the journey,

I am strong; but sometimes I’m weak

I am happy; but sometimes I’m sad

I love myself; but sometimes I’m critical

I own who I am; but sometimes I compare

And sometimes these slip ups lead to guilt

Guilt that consumes me

Eats away

And takes over my mind

I worked to hard to go back

This is why I am single

I need to be more girly

Maybeeee if I was like her ….

and so it begins

This happened to me recently. On the outside my life looked unreal. Flying high on a plane and exploring the city of love. But that is just the pictures

Let’s talk truth 

She was calm cool and collected.

I was a scatter brain that goes a mile a minute

She took her time with makeup

I was pretty but rushed through like a total tom boy 

She was simple and at peace

I had just had a binge relapse and drank to black out 

She was soft spoken and held her comments back

I never shut up and expressed everything 

She just lived in the moment

I planed and over analyzed 

She had no worries about the business

I was pouring my heart and soul into he success and frustrated by the lack of care 

She was emotionless and had no response

I questioned everything I was saying to her because I did’t know her thoughts, was it wrong, was it right. It was causing chaos 

She made easy decisions

I was indecisive

She always had people taking care of her

It was all me all the time 

She loved and appreciate food

I battled for years , and got anxiety in restaurants 

Nothing fazed her

I had a freak out ordering, and was embarrassed … why the eff can’t i just be normal 

She procrastinated

I was a mile a minute & didn’t waste a second 

I was jealous, I was critical of her, of me, my mind was a chatterbox.. and I had no idea what the trigger was. This beautiful girl, innocently brought out some of my darkest traits. One’s I was forced to deal with while in my picture perfect Paris

She was so quiet and reserved, never showing emotion to my thoughts. I began to question everything I was saying and doing; was it ok, was it enough, was it weird, was she judging me, was she having fun ? It was all about pleasing someone else, living up to someone’s standards. Changing who I was to make sure someone else had a good experience and that that is not cool

 

Looking back my mind was a mess, I had just had an episode of eating issues, and drinking too much. It always puts me into imbalance for days. I am a person that is working on recreating myself, which means I need to put extra love and care into my daily routines. To take more time for me, to listen to my body and respect it.

Now that I am back in routine and reflecting. The whole thing just seems so silly.

Why sweat the small stuff that doesn’t matter,

why dwell? 

But in those moments the logic seems to escape.

Blame it on the relaspe

the Lack of routine, the time change, or the skipping meals… but the truth is I am on a journey and it is time to be humble and love the journey through the good and bad.

It allows me to be true, transparent and relate to you completely.

That is not me

And that is not true

I know me

I own me, the good and bad

&& I freaking love me…

Why is it that some people can trigger such chaos in who we are, such self doubt?

It is usually the universe showing us something in others we need to learn for ourselves.

A lesson we must conquer.. accept it , deal with it, learn from it, and overcome it.

See on the outside my Paris was perfect && honestly it was… but my mind is still a messy place some days. I am working through that right alongside you.

I get it…

so let’s all stop the fake and start the real.

Let’s express both sides, because

 

Is it possible to do both

Battle anxiety and have the time of your life

Let’s learn from it, uplift each other and overcome… empower woman to be the best they can be. We are bigger than this. This is not us

But just know..

you are not alone

and it is ok

it is freaking ok